Thursday, March 17, 2011

Faking It

Every day I wake up, and I tell myself, today will be different. Today I will accomplish something. Today I will make a difference, or make a change. Today I will look at myself in the mirror and see someone beautiful and confident. Today I will believe. Today I will be more me than I have ever been. But the truth of the matter is.....

I'm fucking scared.

I get scared that I don't know who I am, so how can I be more me than ever before? I don't know what I really want in life, so how can I accomplish that? I don't feel I have anything to give the world or any way to affect change, so how can I imagine that I could do that? I get scared that when I look in the mirror I will always see the girl who is awkward and needs to lose weight and figure out what the hell she is doing with her life.

Then there are the moments when I do have it figured out. Not for weeks, days, or even hours. Just moments. When I can sit back and think, "Wow, that was really brilliant!" And for that short time, I'm not scared anymore.

I have tried for a long time to live by the phrase 'fake it till you make it.' I want to be a strong confident beautiful woman, so if I act like I already am, then I will become who I want to be. This is not always true. Sometimes I just look bitchy and full of myself; or, over eager and trying to hard.

So I guess the trick is to find the balance between the times when I don't have anything figured out, and the times when I stop trying to figure it out, and just have it already within me.

Fake it till you make it doesn't seem so appropriate anymore, because I am making it. Making a big mess of it sometimes... but making it all the same!


Lilac SilverFox said...

I don't think any of us truly have it 'all figured out'. We're all on a forever journey, the choice is to enjoy the ride most of the time :D

Irish Goddess said...

I agree with lilac and knowing you like i do, you are brilliant and you are beautiful and a wonderful mother and friend and sister. You love people with all your heart. If you could only see yourself the way I see you, then you would truly realize what a fabulous person you are. I cant imagine my life with out you. So tomorrow morning when you wake up don't fake it because you are going to make it and your going to be great at it.

Lots of love

Dark Mother said...

Powerful writing my friend. I think the fake it til you make it is good, but in doses, seems as though you've figured that out too.

Mama's Thyme said...

My comment was going to be "fake it until you make it" but since you are already trying that, all I can offer is - give, believe, trust, stand in amazement, and be kind to yourself, or no one else will be.

Susan said...

I can so relate to this post. Since depression and anxiety came into my life, I do not know who I am anymore...but I am trying to start from scratch, I figured since my life is changed forever from my injuries, why not change with it. But it is scary, especially for me, as I am now without any RL friends, and my nest is empty. I only see the hubs for a few hours a day, so i feel extremely lonely, i know if I didn't, things would go easier.

best of luck to you and hugs!

Sunny Spring Blessings,
Susan (ForestIsis)

kbeau said...

Sometimes, words wash across our consciousness for no reason. Other times,words are like sign posts along the way.
Today your words jumped into my path.
In a dark room, an hour or more before daybreak, still cozied up in bed I was feeling overwhelmed by the first thoughts of the day. How can it be when you first wake up - the fear and negativity grabbing hold before feet even hit the floor. Was a heavy sigh moment.
Later, cup of tea in hand your words spoke to me.
I get it. Even the most pollyanna of us probably get it.
Faking it, making it .... a very fine line between the two.
Today = fake. Tomorrow may = awesome making it.

Melissa said...

I hear what you're saying. I've recently come in contact with a woman who would like nothing more than to stop me in my tracks. To make me believe that I am a poor copy.YOU wrote to me that day. YOUR words lifted me up. YOU are a powerful force to be reckoned with my friend. Don't you EVER forget it. I'm watching. I can't wait to see the beautiful butterfly that emerges.